Yes Woman

I’m writing to you from a coffee shop in South Berkeley.

The barista who took my order told me she loved my style, and the one who handed me my drink told me that my outfit was cute. I’m wearing my thigh highs paired with my over-the-knee black boots, a bright green oversized sweater, and a denim mini skirt. My hair is curled and I put on a soft layer of my Lana Del Ray branded lipstick. 

I’ve been romanticizing this day in my head since the moment we booked this trip. I gave myself a single day off, while my sister, who I’m traveling with, is still in her business meetings. I knew I would wear a cute outfit, drink an excellent cup of coffee, and finally make time to write. And I know, perhaps more than anymore, that when you say “Yes”...almost anything can happen next.

My sister Hannah was the first one who crowned me with the term “Yes Woman” and I’ve kept it close to my heart all these years. 

I am a Yes Woman. The word “Yes” is a powerful word, it's both easy and hard to say, depending on the context. Sometimes we say it when we shouldn’t or when we don’t mean it, but that's called something else. That's called people pleasing, and I’ve held that title before too, but that's one I've left behind. 

I’ve learned the hard way to always take a moment to check in with myself before saying “Yes” to make sure my yes is coming from the right place. “No” is also a powerful word, and knowing when to use it is an important part of being a Yes Woman. I’m told often that I say yes more than most people would, probably more than I should, but I can only say yes because of how many times in my life, leading me up to this season of my life, I’ve also been brave enough to say no. I view both words as an opportunity, but “yes” is a word we get to say, “no” is one we have to say.

In December, I left off telling you about defining success in my life.

One thing about me, I am almost always considering my future self, thinking about what she wants, how she’ll feel, how she’ll feel about ME now and the choices I am making for her. I never make any kind of big life decision without considering her. I think this came from going through Lyme treatment, every choice I made, all the misery I endured was for her to live this life. My current life. I am living all her dreams, I thank that past version of me every single day for what she did for me, what she gave me. I can’t help but think about what other dreams my other future versions might have…the spirit of ”Anything is Possible” flows in my blood now, where the Lyme used to live.

So, I always thought I was going to die young, but now, it seems I’ll live a long long time. And at some point a couple of years ago, through a lot of life transitions and future altering choices, I thought about my future self on her deathbed. Old and gray, reflecting on her life, these years I’m living now, and all the ones I’ve yet to live, what would she be proud of? What would she want to hear about her impact from the people she loved most, as they were saying their goodbyes?

I am a Yes Woman. I said “Yes” to this life, to keep living it, to the way I live it now. And it led me to beautiful places, to beautiful people, and when I say yes it is a good I put in the world that always finds its way back to me. 

And at the end of my days, I hope what I’ve achieved continues to look a lot like that. 

And that people felt safe to call when they needed to, and they knew they would be helped, knew they’d have a place to go, knew they’d have arms to hold them. 

I know how I want to spend my time, my resources. I know the impact I want to make, my abilities to do so, and the adventures it will lead me on. I know I’ll feel the whole spectrum of this human life, carry grief that isn’t mine sometimes, be a part of things I never would have had access to otherwise, and make friends with new people every single day.

I’ll let people into my life, and some of them will betray me, hurt me, leave me, but I won't regret them, because I was pure and true to myself, to my values. 

And saying yes, it doesn’t hold me back, it propels me forward, even sometimes when I’m not ready to go, it evolves me. Saying yes brings spiritual awakenings, community, and the shattering of old narratives that aren't true, that are keeping you stagnant.

I’ve learned what I need, I’ve learned how to take care of me, how to let those around me love me the way I need to be loved. I let them fill me up, I let my cup overflow, not sometimes, but all the time. I walk around this life knowing my cup deserves to be overflowing, I expect it to. And so I give. Generously, though strategically, I let my cup overflow to whoever is next to me, wherever I am. And I move through the world free and open, ready to receive whatever it has for me, never afraid of running out of what's mine. 

I can’t imagine a richer life. 

Now I’m on to the rest of my romantic day, saying yes to whatever adventures present themselves to me…and living. Really living. Thanks for stopping in for a few moments with me.

November and Success

At the beginning of November, I felt this restless pull.

It felt like I couldn’t keep my feet planted where they were even if I wanted to. I’d come too far, knew too much, my spirit wouldn’t let me stay in unhealth. 

For almost 2 years, my life has been a consistent theme of “moving on” and “out growing” things. A lot of my healing has been needed because of staying with people and places too long. I spent the last year of my 20’s breaking cycles. Breaking cycles, to your brain, feels much like withdrawal from addiction. It physically hurts, it's actively rewiring your neuropathways against everything that feels safe, normal, depriving yourself of your coping and defense mechanisms, for a chance to heal.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something my therapist said in our last session together before I “graduated” from EMDR. She told me, “I’m confident you’ll never let anyone treat you that way ever again.” 

The beginning of November, I looked at a path ahead of me filled with moral injury, and I knew. I knew I could never betray my values, never betray myself again, never allow someone to redefine my self respect. 

And so I chose a different path, and in turn, a new path was chosen for me. And it is exactly where I needed to be. 

I have come a long way these last two years. I’ve ran, walked, crawled, whatever it took to forgive myself, to trust myself again, to come home to myself and define who I am. And I am so proud of who I am and where I’ve ended up. 

And so, I could no longer entertain the idea of coexisting in any place that asked me to leave my values at the door. I’ve come too far for that. 

I don’t want to spend any more of my time, any more of my life in spaces who ask me to “care less”. Caring is one of my biggest super powers. It's a part of who I am. I will nurture it always.

And in the moment I realized the repercussions of choosing this, I looked across the table from me and saw someone miserable. And in that moment I thought, “I am happy, even now. This should be a bad moment in my life, but I am at peace with myself…I am happy, and free, and confident. And I’d rather be in my seat than theirs, any day of the week. I know I am good, and kind, and loving, and full of integrity, and I’m confident in where that will lead me next.”

When I caught myself thinking this, I also found myself filled with gratitude. Because I know, always, that I am going to be okay. I found a peaceful home, a healthy nervous system, a well-built sturdy life, and now a steadiness lives inside me. It stays with me everywhere I go. 

And no amount of money, status, title, or lifestyle could ever make me trade it. 

Before November, and all its transitions, I had someone tell me that “truly successful people only care about themselves” they told me that my care for other people was “immature” and I would only truly be successful if I only cared about myself. Now, there might be some truth in this, as in, if success was defined by how much money I can gain and keep in my own pockets. But one of the driving forces that pushed me to this transition was defining for myself what “success” looked like in my life. 

I’ll share more on that next time. Thanks for reading, and Happy December.