November and Success

At the beginning of November, I felt this restless pull.

It felt like I couldn’t keep my feet planted where they were even if I wanted to. I’d come too far, knew too much, my spirit wouldn’t let me stay in unhealth. 

For almost 2 years, my life has been a consistent theme of “moving on” and “out growing” things. A lot of my healing has been needed because of staying with people and places too long. I spent the last year of my 20’s breaking cycles. Breaking cycles, to your brain, feels much like withdrawal from addiction. It physically hurts, it's actively rewiring your neuropathways against everything that feels safe, normal, depriving yourself of your coping and defense mechanisms, for a chance to heal.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something my therapist said in our last session together before I “graduated” from EMDR. She told me, “I’m confident you’ll never let anyone treat you that way ever again.” 

The beginning of November, I looked at a path ahead of me filled with moral injury, and I knew. I knew I could never betray my values, never betray myself again, never allow someone to redefine my self respect. 

And so I chose a different path, and in turn, a new path was chosen for me. And it is exactly where I needed to be. 

I have come a long way these last two years. I’ve ran, walked, crawled, whatever it took to forgive myself, to trust myself again, to come home to myself and define who I am. And I am so proud of who I am and where I’ve ended up. 

And so, I could no longer entertain the idea of coexisting in any place that asked me to leave my values at the door. I’ve come too far for that. 

I don’t want to spend any more of my time, any more of my life in spaces who ask me to “care less”. Caring is one of my biggest super powers. It's a part of who I am. I will nurture it always.

And in the moment I realized the repercussions of choosing this, I looked across the table from me and saw someone miserable. And in that moment I thought, “I am happy, even now. This should be a bad moment in my life, but I am at peace with myself…I am happy, and free, and confident. And I’d rather be in my seat than theirs, any day of the week. I know I am good, and kind, and loving, and full of integrity, and I’m confident in where that will lead me next.”

When I caught myself thinking this, I also found myself filled with gratitude. Because I know, always, that I am going to be okay. I found a peaceful home, a healthy nervous system, a well-built sturdy life, and now a steadiness lives inside me. It stays with me everywhere I go. 

And no amount of money, status, title, or lifestyle could ever make me trade it. 

Before November, and all its transitions, I had someone tell me that “truly successful people only care about themselves” they told me that my care for other people was “immature” and I would only truly be successful if I only cared about myself. Now, there might be some truth in this, as in, if success was defined by how much money I can gain and keep in my own pockets. But one of the driving forces that pushed me to this transition was defining for myself what “success” looked like in my life. 

I’ll share more on that next time. Thanks for reading, and Happy December.