Deeper Well.

“You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.”

This is a quote from one of my favorite books from highschool, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Funny enough, I went on for years doing just as the quote says not to. 

When I was 18 years old, two months shy of graduating High School, my dad had a massive stroke. He didn’t die, but the version of him I knew did die that day. My mother’s priorities shifted to keeping him alive, and life as we all knew it, at least that version of life, died that day too. 

There is no one to blame and it's nobody’s fault, but this started in me a trauma response in my brain from abandonment. Over the years, the abandonment wound grew with more experiences and new faces, until eventually a flip switched in me. 

I learned how to be the hyper-independent in codependent relationships, putting me in the position to make myself feel “irreplaceable” to the people around me. Earning their love with every need I could meet, not even needing to be asked. I just knew. I knew exactly what each person in my life needed, and I knew how to meet it. And to be honest, it worked. And to be honest, I was great at it. 

And while we are being honest, there are many people who are mourning that unhealthy version of me now. The version of me who met all their needs and never asked for anything in return. She settled for crumbs, and treated those crumbs like a feast. She was praised for how well she inserted herself, never needing much in return, and how very useful she was. 

It was until one day, I woke up in more codependent relationships than I could possibly keep up with, recognizing a pattern, and wondering how I ended up there? I had collected so many people that needed me, that felt entitled to me, I felt chronically suffocated and emotionally distraught. I was in so many relationships that I had identified as unhealthy, was absolutely gutted by how I was being treated in them, but was also terrified to move.

I had to take a look in the mirror and take responsibility for what my part in it was, and then I remembered…“You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.”

The scariest thing I ever did was step out of that pattern. I looked so many people in the eye and said “I can’t be this version of myself anymore, it's killing me. Will you still love me even if I let go of the version of myself that has been trying to earn your love?”

I had to apologize to my codependent partners, I had subconsciously been manipulating them not to abandon me. Not giving them the option to stay or go, not even giving them the option to love me for the right reasons. I remember telling someone specifically that I had to start showing up in the world authentically, and letting each person choose for themselves if they wanted to love me or not. 

It seems so simple, but when you have an abandonment wound, it is the most vulnerable thing. 

I think anytime you shift from a state of unhealthy to healthy, it is vulnerable.

For me, this was another way of life, no matter how unhealthy it might have been, my perceived safety was dead again. 

Today, talking with a friend, I had this analogy pop into my head. It was really more of an image, it was me or it was you, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, only it was like this one scene was a picture of all of life. And every person who “left” was like a physical weight unlocking, falling off, so that we could evolve just a little bit higher, take up a little more space. It was a picture of painful relief, grief and gratefulness all at once. 

Though in my core, I feel like exactly the same person, the last two years in many ways I have transformed into somebody totally new. Somehow coming home to myself and evolving beyond all of me at the same time. 

A huge part of that has been allowing all the relationships in my life their own autonomy, not just in reality but also in my own cognitive perception, every single person has the freedom and right to leave my life at any time. Why they choose to leave may or may not have anything to do with me, but it's not my job to try to understand it if they don’t have the care to explain it to me before they go. And whether a person chooses to stay or go, does not alter how I choose to show up in the world.

I no longer look at my relationships as something I have to keep at all costs. In fact, I have seen how much better life is when you are not in relationship with people who you have to convince you are worth loving. Learning to let people go has been one of the most peaceful, satisfying lessons. The waves of sweet relief and deep grief have become a healthy flow in my life.

On the flipside, I do believe it is a privilege to be a part of my life, to have access to me, and to be loved by me. I hold myself to a very high standard in how I treat all humans in the world, but especially the people closest to me. Through healing my abandonment wound, I have gained the self respect to hold the people in my life to some of those same standards. I have taken the time to define my non-negotiables when it comes to my relationships, and how to let others decide for themselves if they want to meet them or not. (Though I have to be honest, I’ve never had to even ask those closest to me…the ones who show me true love every day. The ones who have redefined what love even means.) And through this self respect, I am no longer afraid to hold people accountable to how they treat me, and if need be, walk away. 

I am responsible for my own life, and only mine, and it's my job only to make decisions for my life, and that's true for everyone else too about their own life. 

I have taken the time over the years to learn how to receive love and how to give it, in pure and healthy ways. I have taken the time to forgive, honor, and cherish the version of myself that kept herself safe, even in ways that weren’t healthy and caused me pain. I’ve taken the time to practice empathy to the ones that loved an unhealthy version of me so deeply, who aren’t able to see the healthy version of me as good…how it must have felt like betrayal when I was no longer willing to give them the version of me that felt like a home to them. I feel so deeply for them what they lost in my own growth and healing, and also what they lost when they couldn’t figure out how to love this version of me too. 

But there is nothing and no one in the world I could trade this version of me for. The one who gets to be fully free, so sure of the people around me, who I get to love freely because I’m no longer subconsciously convincing them to keep me. Life is so beautiful, peaceful, full, and I made friends with my grief, always giving it a place to rest when it passes through, because I know its a part of rising, evolving, and growing.

So remember, “You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” You have to actively participate in this life, learning how to both give and receive love from people, in all our messy ways. And the painful truth is that outgrowing some people along the way is a part of living, an unfortunate necessary part if you choose to grow. It comes with grief, but it also expands your capacity for love as you transform into more of who you were created to be.

In the words of Kacey Musgraves, “I’ve found a deeper well.” And I can say, there is so much life waiting for you.