The Emotional Roller Coaster of The Foster Parent Process
The process to become a foster parent
I am writing to you from my corner chair, enjoying my sunny view of downtown Fort Worth. I am sipping a cup freshly poured from my french press and soaking up the fondness that are my slow mornings I have come to cherish.
Lately in my slow morning routine, I have begun wondering, or maybe dreaming about what it will be like when this time is spent changing diapers, or chasing around a toddler, or taking my spot in the school dropoff line.
I have already started loving the little humans that will live here temporarily. I wonder what their names will be, what their little faces will look like, and what it will be like learning how they need to be loved, what they need to feel safe. I am already grieving for them and what they are experiencing, likely right now as I am writing this. My heart feels open and soft, a million times bigger than it should be. It feels kind of natural, almost like this is just another extension of how I value showing up in this world.
On the other hand, I look around my life and see everything I have ever wanted, finally free after what feels like a lifetime of fighting for it, and I can’t help but wonder…am I crazy for doing this?
I am writing this after a week of feeling better, grounded, and supported. But I was so shocked a few short weeks ago at how the emotional rollercoaster already started. I was not expecting how much grief would be triggered throughout the training process, or how hard the realization would hit me that quite everyone in my life would be affected by this.
2-3 weeks ago I was absolutely wrecked with guilt, disappointment, and grief. It was hitting me from so many different angles, I felt like I just couldn’t stop crying.
I was hit with guilt that I was signing up everyone around me to do something hard, just because I was. It occurred to me for the first time how much my capacity would change, and how having a traumatized kid living with me might change my relationships with people. It started triggering my abandonment issues, and I started to wonder if I was going to find myself alone in the middle of this.
I felt disappointed at how disconnected I felt from a lot of the people around me, and even though I knew it wasn’t rational, I started fearing that I had wasted so much of my life investing in people who weren't going to invest back into me.
I felt grief for a lot of reasons. For the past versions of my life that I had to walk away from, for the people who aren’t a part of my life anymore, for what it cost me to be happy and healthy. For the shock I still feel when I remember certain things I’ve been through or have been done to me. For having to write down the classifications and dates of every time I’ve experienced abuse, like it was some casual written math problem, as homework. For the things I can’t unsee, and the weight of other people’s secrets that I keep, and for all the times I’ve been a safe place for the people who were not safe places for me. And for being the kind of person who will never stop opening her heart up to people no matter what it costs, but understanding exactly what it costs, all too well.
I cried early morning-before work over tea with a friend, I cried through my phone screen to many safe faces. I cried on a walk by the river with a neighbor, I cried when 4 of my family members attended a horrible 2 hour respite care training on zoom to support me. And in a living room, after the kids fought all night over who would sit in my lap and we put them to bed, I cried with the grief literally shaking out of me just because my friends took the time to ask me the hard questions. I feel like I cried all over Fort Worth those two weeks, my tears watering the safe spaces for my future placements to grow with me.
And in my most triggered state, one of the many sweet messages I received really stuck with me: “You’re dredging up a lot of emotions going through this process, and in a way every emotionally intelligent parent does and has lots to come to terms with when having kids. So these are all good things and signs of growth!
So, what helped start to ground me was realizing that I could be doing probably anything major in life right now (getting married, having a bio kid, moving away, etc) and probably be experiencing a variety of these same emotions. And the point of healing isn’t to be unaffected or invincible, but to be able to self-regulate, feel without judgment, and move through it. And so, I did. (And hey, would it really be me if there wasn’t at least one menty b involved??)
Thank you to every single person who supported me emotionally through those couple of weeks, and to my family for sacrificing your time and resources to support me through this journey. It means more to me than I can say, and I pretty much cry about it once a day. (lol)
Anyway, even through all of that !! I finished all of my agency training except “Training 3” that I will have to make up the next time it comes around in October. My CPR training is scheduled for the 20th (Which my younger brother and big sister will be joining me at, which also makes me want to cry !! You can see the trend that pretty much everything in this whole process makes me want to cry lol) I’ve turned in about 95% of my paperwork and homework, and I’ve completed 7/9 of my online training courses. I will be getting my TB test this week, and after that I will get to schedule my Health and Fire Safety Home Study. To stay on track, I am hoping to complete all of this by the end of this month. (It's getting real!)
After that, the biggest next step is my official Home Study which can take 2-4 hours. This is where they will inspect the home but also interview me. To stay on schedule to be officially licensed by the end of November with consideration of all my fall travel, I will need to complete this by the first or second week in October.
So far my agency and my respite support are all on track to meet this licensing timeline goal and I am feeling really excited and grateful. And often scared too, but as my friend Katherine always says, “Do it afraid” so I tell myself that often these days.
Thank you to the bottom of my heart for following along this crazy journey I put my own self on. You can always hit reply with any questions you have!
As Noah Kahan says, “You’ve got all my love”
Faith
Want to support me on my foster care journey? Here are some ways you can get involved. Also, feel free to subscribe to my newsletter for consistent updates regarding my foster care journey.
Many people have asked me how they can support me without going through the respite/babysitting process, here are my biggest needs:
Day of Shoppers: I need a team of day of shoppers who will be able to go to the store and shop for essential needs. Most of the time placements come with very little notice, and the last thing you want to do is take them to the grocery store the day they arrive. I’ll need people who can go get essentials for me to get through the first 1-3 days, depending on the type of placement. (I.E. A 4 year old boy might need clothes, snacks, toys, overnight pull ups, or an infant girl might need diapers, wipes, clothes, etc.) It was suggested to have several of these because not everyone will be available every time, and it also shares the load when there are several people.
Sign up to be notified for mealtrains. During the first few days the amount of appointments we have to get the placements within the first 72 hours can be overwhelming, so not having to worry about cooking is apparently a huge help! You can do this through filling out my connect form or contacting me directly.
Thank you!