Happy Pride Month
This one is a special one, and it's one that's been on my heart all month.
Since my best friend, Austin, came out, Pride has become a very important time of year for me.
When one of our loved ones, or anyone, comes out, we are faced with a choice. We can open our arms to them with love and support, or we can recite our one interpretation of doctrine at them and disguise our rejection of them as love.
I have done both.
As many of you know, I grew up in many conservative evangelical environments. But the idea of queerness being wrong, or “sinful” always bothered me. I remember sitting in my car as a young teenager, with a friend who was like a little brother to me. He was gay and everyone knew he was gay, even as a kid. But I remember him telling me as we were both teenagers, that he would “have to marry a woman one day and have kids with her.” The idea of it made my soul ache and alarm bells were going off in my spirit. I think the only answer I had as a teen was “There has to be other options, that can’t be your life.”
One time when I was working in ministry, I was asked to counsel a woman who had started dating another woman. I was extremely uncomfortable and at the time, I didn’t fully understand why. I asked many times for support to the people I reported to, because ultimately, I was being asked to defend a belief system I didn’t really agree with, as a job duty. (At that point, this concept was regrettably a normal part of my life). But I remember this instance being extremely conflicting for me internally, especially because I knew I was being a hypocrite in many areas of my own life, and had no business telling this other human who they should love. I eventually told the woman that ultimately only she could make her life decisions, that she needed to be meeting with an actual licensed therapist as I was not one, and that I would always be her friend. But I also had to tell her that even though they would never tell her she couldn’t attend services, eventually she would be removed from membership and likely asked to step down from where she was serving. I was extremely unwell mentally and emotionally at that point of my life, traumatized and further from God than I have ever been, but I was not a good leader to her, and more than anything, I was not a good friend. I have many regrets that haunt me about that time of my life, but this is one of the biggest. I have since apologized and she has graciously forgiven me, and in truth, she has been a much better Christian to me, than me to her.
When Austin and I became friends, I knew he was gay. He was not “out” but he was open about his “struggles.” We still talked about the girls he was going to ask out, debriefed about his dates, and I support his choice at the time but always told him I just wanted him to be happy. We also shared our internal conflicts about the belief systems we had at the time, and the God we knew and loved. We became close friends fast, and although we’ve really only been friends for about 4 years, he’s the kind of friend that makes it feel like we’ve known each other our whole lives.
For me, I was on my own journey of coming out when we met, I was going through the very long and painful process of accepting the truth I had known for a long time, which was that I was never going to be what that environment wanted me to be. And all the things they were so afraid of…all the actual beautiful parts of me that God made, were the best parts of me and deserved to be celebrated and free. As Austin learned to love his authentic self, it gave me the freedom to learn how to love my authentic self, too.
The thing is, when you are in an environment where there is only one valid way to interpret things, only one version of who you are allowed to be, when “die to self” becomes a way to gaslight your own God given intuition to know, feel, believe, experience, and interpret love and spirituality, there will always be victims.
We know that the Bible has historically been used to oppress, and culture has repeatedly shaped our interpretations, leaving them often rooted in hierarchy and power versus the actual teachings of Jesus.
We know that the Bible was written at a time when women were quite literally property. The bible often describes the culture at the time, even as law. I can’t even go down the list of vile awful ways women were treated in bible times. But when you look at Jesus’ life on earth, he spent much of his time elevating women back to where he created them to be. He spent much of his time including women into his own ministry, and yet, here we are in 2024, still teaching that women can’t preach because despite Jesus himself, our culture has taught us that patriarchal structures are what's “biblical” (Funny that Jesus didn’t participate in the patriarchal household system, and in fact, because he was a single man, he wouldn’t be allowed to pastor, let alone lead a home group in many evangelical churches today. These ironies constantly kill me!)
The Bible was also the main source that white christian’s used to own black people as slaves. It was also the tool they used in our own American history uprooting and tourmenting Nativate Americans. Because when you believe your one interpretation is superior, and that you are the only holder of “truth” that belief system leads us to things like murdering, stealing land, and all other forms of taking agency from others. It was also us white christians who stole their children from them, ripping black and brown families apart since the founding of our country. A bible in one hand, and a gun in the other. (Sound familiar?)
I hope we all agree that this is the epitome of taking God's name in vain, actual abominations of absolute evil, but can also recognize that there is a clear pattern of misinterpreting God’s word as a tool for oppression. And just like with the rejection of the LGBTQ+ community now, those were all cultural norms at the time. There were verses to justify it, religious people to debate it, and an ideal that conforming and controlling others somehow pleased or glorified god.
When I was leaving evangelicalism, I heard a lot of fear around how culture “in the world” would shape me if I wasn’t rooted in evangelicalism, and the “dangerous trajectory” I was on. I knew at the time, I KNEW the things I was saying sounded crazy to the people around me. I knew they were afraid of me and afraid of the things I was saying. But the fear…so much fear. It's the main reason I couldn’t do it anymore. If we REALLY believe the gospel, really believe what we say we believe, why the hell was everyone around me so afraid of people not doing exactly what they think we should be doing? There are 1471308471380 interpretations of the same scripture, but if I don’t believe there is no gray area, and your one interpretation is the ONLY truth, I’m the scary one?
When Austin called me and officially “came out” to me, he was also leaving evangelicalism. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, “Faith, I’ve tried everything. I’ve done everything they’ve told me to do, everything they’ve asked of me. I’ve done everything. It doesn’t work. If I keep doing this, I am going to die. Besides dying there is only one other option to try. I’m going to be me. I am going to just be gay.”
Before Austin came out, he would often have periods of time where he would disappear. Between his battle with depression, shame cycles, “addiction” and more, he would sometimes disappear and then a few weeks later, resurface. Since coming out, Austin has been consistent, steady, and present. He is objectively a much healthier version of himself in every way, including all “addiction” have magically disappeared. I have never seen him happier or more himself. He is truly living his BEST life in every way and fills me with SO MUCH joy and PRIDE. There is not a single person on this planet that could convince me that the transformation I’ve seen with my own eyes doesn’t fill any good God with joy, too.
Watching this transformation has truly changed me. I cannot for the life of me fathom telling someone that because of your specific interpretation of religion, you believe they should spend the rest of their life wishing they were dead instead of being LGBTQ+. Because at the end of the day, that is what is being asked of them.
At this point in my life, I cannot fathom continuing to defend american christianity as every month we hear another story about how a pastor has sexually abused a child or a woman, but somehow we aren’t capable of considering that maybe, maybe we got it wrong again when it comes to our anti-gay theology, and maybe that doctrine, yet again, was actually influenced by culture and NOT by Jesus’ teaching. (which by the way…Jesus himself didn’t say one thing about LGBTQ+ people…)
I have never felt more connected to God’s character, his love, and his heart/intentions than when I started loving people for who they are, instead of trying to conform them to who I believed they were supposed to be. I truly wish everyone could experience the freedom to truly love people, because nothing is more worthwhile in this life.
If you are unsure what to believe, I hope you’ll consider three things.
Jesus didn’t spend his time on earth trying to convince people how right he was. I’m really not sure why american christianity is so obsessed with it. Jesus asked questions, he listened, and he loved people. He hung out with all the people that the religious people hated. If he were alive today, he would be at Gay Pride Parade, he would be having dinner with a transwoman, he would be at the border feeding the immigrants trying to cross our borders, he would be at parties with the people who wouldn’t dare step foot through the doors of our churches. Would you still love and follow him?
If you have been led to believe there is only one interpretation of the bible and what it means, you have been lied to. It's simply, objectively not true. If that were true, there wouldn’t be multiple denominations. If something you’ve been led to believe doesn’t make sense or match up with who you know God to be, please listen to your intuition. There is only one thing in religion that truly scares me at this point in my life, and it's any religious leader who believes they’ve got it all figured out.
Please consider deconstructing the things you’ve been taught that are “loving”. It is not, under any circumstance or belief system, loving to tell someone you believe they should spend the rest of their life wanting to die. It is not loving to make friendship conditional on your religious beliefs. It is not loving to only love people when they live the way you think they should live. These things are actually so harmful, and real love, true pure love doesn’t harm.
It is up to us to stand up to the narratives we’ve been fed, it is up to us to see the humanity in people and stop trying to make them fit into our hypothetical doctrines. It is up to us to stop letting men who are also victims to a broken society provide our only definition of “godly” …and I hope you will. Because it is beautiful out here in the “world” where most of us are simply enjoying the life God gave us, loving people, and finally feeling safe in our bodies.
Happy Pride to you all, it is a joy to celebrate this special month. If you are queer and you share your life with me, please know that I am proud of you and honored to be a safe person in your corner.
If you’re reading this, and I wasn’t a safe person for you in the past, I am deeply, deeply sorry. Please know that I am rooting for you, loud and proud now.
And Happy Pride to my best friend, Austin. Your bravery, resilience, kindness, and generosity are a few of my favorite things about you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for living authentically. Thank you for not giving up on yourself or your happiness. You inspire me everyday.
-Faith, a regrettable heterosexual
P.S. If sexuality was a choice you know I would NOT have chosen men. Please pray for me regarding my unfortunate attraction to men no matter how many of them on this planet utterly traumatize me!
